Quotes / Ambiguous Syntax

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Cloud: In order to get my ultimate weapon, we need to kill the ultimate WEAPON, Ultimate WEAPON.
Barret: I thought "Ultimate Weapon" was the weapon Scarlett used?
Cloud: No, that was an ultimate weapon she made as an ultimatum.
Red XIII: So that would make this ultimate WEAPON THE ultimate weapon of pure ultimacy?
Cloud: Ultimately? Yes.
Tifa: WHY THE F*CK ARE YOU LIKE THIS?!

Marinette: I'm fucking Ladybug, but you don't see me making a song and dance about it.
Alya: You're fucking Ladybug?!
Marinette: Fuck yeah, I am.
Kim: That why you're so tired this morning?
Marinette: It'd be fine if Hawkdick wasn't a bitch, but nooooo. In bed, it's all systems go, and then the fucker decides it's the perfect time to send out an akuma.
Lila: So, Ladybug's often in your bed, Marinette?
Marinette: Every night, if I'm lucky.

Vaggie: [to Angel Dust] Are you wearing my fucking skirt!?
Angel Dust: Ooooh~ it's a FUCKIN' skirt, huh? This one kept special for when Charlie jumps ya?
Vaggie: Que te la pique un pollo- NO.
[…]
Angel Dust: Ugh fiiine. […]I'll hand over the girlfriend-fucking skirt.
[…]
Vaggie: [to Husk] You're the one who taught him this in the first place, aren't you?
Husk: WHAT? I don't put on your fucking skirts!
Angel Dust: Wha' about her non-fucking ones?
Husk & Vaggie: Shut up.

Mr. Tweedy: [covered in chickens assaulting him] MRS. TWEEDY! THE CHICKENS ARE REVOLTING!
Mrs. Tweedy: [not looking up from her clipboard] Finally, something we agree on!

King Candy: [Pulls out a pair of glasses] You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses, would you?
Ralph: [Proceeds to grab the glasses and hits King Candy over the head with them]
King Candy: You hit a guy... with glasses... that, heh, that's well played.

Narrator: When they finally beheld the mighty Ape Mountain, they reacted with awe!
Group: Awwwww....
Narrator: I said "Awe". A-W-E.
Group: Oooooh...
Narrator: That's better.

Mrs. White: He had threatened to kill me in public.
Miss Scarlett: Why would he want to kill you in public?
Wadsworth: I think she meant he threatened, in public, to kill her.

Chester Hoenicker: Let him have it.
Wesson: (squirts Philip Brainard in the face)
Chester Hoenicker: N—No, no. Give it to him.
Wesson: (squirts him again)
Chester Hoenicker: W— Stop that and give it to him.
Wesson: (squirts him again)
Chester Hoenicker: Put—Put it in his hand and give it to him.
Wesson: (squirts him in the hand)
Chester Hoenicker: No, no, no, no, no! GIVE THE GUN TO HIM!!
Wesson: Oh...

Miss Price: This is Poisoned Dragon's Liver.
Paul: You mean they poisoned the dragon, or just the liver?

Kaecilius: Mister...?
Strange: Doctor.
Kaecilius: Mister Doctor?
Strange: It's... "Strange".
Kaecilius: Maybe. Who am I to judge?

"Because of the allegations, the Soviet ambassador today sought political asylum in the Soviet Union-" (Beat) "Beg your pardon. That should read 'The Soviet ambassador today was sent to a political asylum in the Soviet Union'."

Carnage: There you are! Death to you, Father!

Priest: No!

Carnage: [patiently] Not you, Father. [points at Venom] YOU, Father.

Merchandising Exec: All I need from you is just your word and, uh, we're in business.
Leggy: We're in business?
Exec: I like the way you work.

Dr. Rumack: You better tell the captain we've got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.
Randy: A hospital? What is it?
Dr. Rumack: It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now.

Ford: It's unpleasantly like being drunk.
Arthur: What's so unpleasant about being drunk?
Ford: You ask a glass of water.

Juliet: Well, that's it for me then. Gonna send my eyes off to prison and resign my vile body to the ground. Bury me and Romeo in the same coffin, okay?
Angelica: Yes, I too am that upset about the death of Tybalt. Tybalt Capulet: what a great guy. He was courteous and honest, Tybalt was. Yep, that was definitely Tybalt, the man who was murdered and whose body I was just describing!
Juliet: WHAT THE HELL?! I thought we were talking about Romeo!!
Angelica: No, Tybalt. Your dead cousin? Try to keep up, Juliet.
Juliet: YOU said 'he's dead' right after we finished talking about Romeo's sex ladder.
Angelica: 'He' meaning Tybalt'.
Juliet: When this is over we're going to talk about pronoun attachment ambiguity.

Mac: You know, this place is about the size of our houses.
Mark: Really? You live in a house like this?
Mac: No, our houses. All three of them, put together.

Bilbo: Good Morning!
Gandalf: What do you mean? Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good on this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?
Bilbo: All of them at once, and a very fine morning for a pipe of tobacco out of doors, into the bargain.
[later]
Bilbo: Good morning! We don't want any adventures here, thank you! You might try over The Hill or across The Water.
Gandalf: What a lot of things you do use Good morning for! Now you mean that you want to get rid of me, and that it won't be good till I move off.

It was date night, and Constance Verity was wrestling an alligator woman in her underwear. How the alligator woman ended up wearing Connie's underwear was a mystery she never solved.

(Casey has read Dana's calendar.)
Casey: "Saturday the 2nd, Aztec Two-Step at The Bottom Line with Gordon." "Sunday the 10th, Turandot with Gordon at Lincoln Center." And I'm assuming, although your modifier was dangling, that you're going with Gordon to see Turandot, you're not going to see Gordon in Turandot.

Interviewer: How does it feel to have a huge gay fan base?
Joey: Really, me? Wow, I don't even know any huge gay people.

Not-Donna: It's the knees. How many knees?
Not-Doctor: Two.
Not-Donna: Two in total, or two on each leg?

Ex-Boyfriend: Why did you break up with me?
Ex-Girlfriend: I realized I'm a lesbian, Hunter.
Vinny: She hunts... lesbians? Oh my!

"This next round is based on Give Us A Clue, the entertainment show that really is something else."

weak fungicide
The liquid in this can is actually very powerful, it's just that it's tailored to kill weak fungi.

Kenshi: Tanya.
Tanya: Another fool wants to test me.
Kenshi: He'll have to wait til we're done.

Your knowledge of Monstrous Anatomy has increased. Or your Anatomy has become more Monstrous. One of those.

Blake: [Your dad] sent a dog?!
Weiss: In the mail?!
Yang: Oh, he does stuff like this all the time.
Blake: Your father, or your dog?

Mother: Jimmy, take out the dog.
Jimmy: (dons sunglasses) Yes, mother. (shoots dog dead)
Mother: ...For a walk, Jimmy.

Mike: Billie was drunkenly mauled by a bear.
Walky: ...What?
Mike: ...She was drunk, not the bear.
Dorothy: Mike!
Mike: Fine, they were both drunk.

Luna Traffic Cop: Hey! You can't park that thing here!
DoytHaban: That's a curious thing to say. Are you threatening to levy some sort of fine, or are you questioning our piloting skills?
Luna Traffic Cop: I, uhh. Well...
DoytHaban: [sigh] Why don't you just write me a nice parking ticket while you ponder the nuances of grammar.
Luna Traffic Cop: Say, are those tanks?

Athena: Are you the Vampire of Fetishville?
V: I'm a vampire of Fetishville. V The Vampire Vigilante! And you are?
Athena: Athena The Vampire Hunter!
V: You're also a vampire? And a hunter?
Athena: Er...

Bard: I take the glove off its paw and I kiss it.
DM: The hand or the glove?
Bard: The bear.

Jack: Have you ever had, like, a boss who just, like, didn't say something perfectly literally? They just, like, kinda used a common turn of phrase or an idiom?
Prof. Alexander Chee: I'm sorry?
Chris: Don't be. You've already given us so much.

The Antagonist: It's a shame this movie isn't long enough for us to get to know each other. I guess I'll just have to kill you now!
Alex: Kill me?!
The Antagonist: Well, if you say so!

Lois: Oh, my God. You can only play the piano when you're drunk!
Peter: That's not true. I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk.

"Ha-ha! Got the drop on you with MY disintegrating pistol! And brother, when it disintegrates, it disintegrates!"

Plankton: Tell him off, SpongeBob! Assert yourself!
SpongeBob: That's my ice cream cone!
Plankton: Great! Now, let him have it!
SpongeBob: [happily] You can have it.
Eel: Say, thanks!
Plankton: NO!

universalpotatochip: My stomach growled super loud in French omg
universalpotatochip: I would like to clarify my stomach did not speak French. It growled in French class I apologize

<SRG> Metallica sold out in 45 mins :/
<NotOneOfUs> Yeah I know.
<NotOneOfUs> Oh wait
<NotOneOfUs> You mean, like, a concert?
<SRG> yes

antarctik: [on a photo post of ceramics] some star-shaped iranian tiles i like, created in the thirteenth century.
txttletale: had to reread the caption three times before realizing that op is not, in fact, an 800-year-old iranian valley girl ceramics artist

Person 1: I'm giving up alcohol for a month.
Person 2: Really?
Person 1: Sorry, that came out wrong.
Person 1: I'm giving up.
Person 1: Alcohol for a month.